Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
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*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.