The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
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I put the mess in domestic.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
broke down and did it
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
the three branches of government
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*