First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
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*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring