Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
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Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Childbirth is so beautiful
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.