My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
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Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.