waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
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Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁