No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
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Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Mhm.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.