it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
You Might Also Like
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.