[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
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[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
“what that mouth do?” complain
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.