when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
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Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*