Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
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[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?