4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
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I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
People buying plungers never look happy.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.