Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
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Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
No way!
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”