Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
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I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
North and South
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
just pretend nothing happened