Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
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My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…