I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
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Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
time machine? you mean a clock?
Peace was never an option
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.