[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
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How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
I self medicate, therefore you live.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Welcome to the stomach
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic