Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
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[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore