all bases covered
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getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”