Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
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Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.