Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
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Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
My friend is an excellent librarian.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
This January has 47 Mondays
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.