I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
You Might Also Like
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.