If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
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You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”