Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
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Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
No laws when master is gone
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.