Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
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This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
me refusing to leave twitter
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.