Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
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[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
that wasn’t the question
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar