I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
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restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?