Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
You Might Also Like
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh