I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
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Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.