Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
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AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Erm I’m gonna say no
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
house sitting!
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news