One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
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For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Everyone’s family
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
lmao
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.