You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
You Might Also Like
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.