I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
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Jogging has never helped my memory.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
happy valentine’s day to me
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Growing out my freckles.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
The Backseat Boys
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Selfie