Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
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[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
For the orator and chef in all of us
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.