M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
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Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
My dad is at it again
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Stop it! 😂
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.