I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
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DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on