You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
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I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.