Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
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If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in