How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
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Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…