A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
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ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Labreador
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing