ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
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[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Erm…
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
same vibe as tangled headphones
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Me in tagged photos
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.