FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
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[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral鈥ou have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait鈥搈y Vine didn’t go viral?”
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
People really don鈥檛 fall in wells like they used to.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Me: I鈥檒l do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let鈥檚 revisit this again next year.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
鈥淐ount on it.”
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
the official breakfast of 2021
馃槀馃槀
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?