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Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
There’s no “u” in narcissist
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.