You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
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[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.