I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
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A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
R.I.P.
Breaking news:
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
the only bumper sticker ill allow
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright