“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
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One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Death certificates are our last participation award.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?