Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
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if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Would you wear it?
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.