On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
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[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night