Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
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They’re really bad with fonts.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”