Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
You Might Also Like
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.